The Stairs
OK, fuck. Here we meet again stairs. Please don’t absolutely fuck me today. God, I feel dizzy. And lightheaded. Great. OK, I gotta, a good grasp of the railings.
All right, I got the railing, just start with the first step. No big deal, I could only fall to my untimely death.
OK I made the first step! I feel wobbly. My hands are sweating. Grab the railing tighter! Geez.
That was close. Almost lost my balance. This is so much easier when someone is in front of me.
OK, the hardest part is over! I’m not at the top anymore. Just go nice and slow. You’ll be fine. Just pay attention.
It’s hard to pay attention when you’re afraid you’re going to die. Que images in my head of me falling down the stairs.
Hell yeah, halfway there and not currently dead. Pay attention though! I get excited that the hard part is done and then lose —
Focus! You’re almost there just slowly let go of the left railing and grab the next one, it’s OK. Once I get to the next step, I’m fine. I can’t die from here.
Yay! I made it to the new railing. We’re good. We got this! Mostly.
OK I’m fine now. My mind starts to wander but again I refocus.
Stairs are my bitch! Haha, no I’m a bitch, but I’m almost there!
One last step and she’s really done it everyone!!
Well, I did the hard part. Now I just need the images of me falling to stop so I can do these last few. I wish I could forget about falling. I wish I could not worry about how I can’t brace myself if I fall. Imagine if I had a seizure… *shudders*
Hi! If you’re new here, my name is Briana Raucci. I am an artist, designer, and photographer based out of CT. I happen to have cerebral palsy (CP). CP is a neurological disorder that appears in infancy or early childhood. Caused by damage or abnormalities inside the developing brain, CP destructs the brains ability to control movement and maintain posture and balance.
My CP was caused by a stroke, either in utero or shortly after birth. Mine affects the right side of my body, weakening it and making balance difficult. It creates a wide range of other challenges, which I'll continue to address with my art.
My case is considered mild. I don’t need a wheelchair and can (mostly) hide it visually. In severe cases, people may need wheelchairs and assistive technologies. Though mine is a mild case, my CP still causes the stairs to be my arch nemesis.
As an artist, I want to convey the challenges of CP in a way that people can understand, regardless of their abilities. I want to use my skills to transcend ability and demonstrate my personal experience.
Here I have taken a picture of the stairs in my apartment. Originally there was only one railing on the right hand side. Although I’m a 31 year old woman, prior to installing the second railing, I would sometimes have to SIT ON MY ASS like a toddler to down the stairs. Lmao. Although a hilarious visual, which I tend to laugh at myself; my uneven balance has caused me to fall down a flight of stairs in the past. 10/10 would NOT recommend.
Even if there is a railing on the right side, I’m too weak to grip the railing tight enough to actually prevent me from falling. Only my left side can keep me stable (I use the term stable loosely, I have NO grace.)
Since we have installed a second set of railings, going down the stairs is much easier than it used to be, however, depending on how I’m feeling that day, it can still be quite challenging and scary. At times I experience lightheadedness and vertigo. That, paired with depth perception issues from CP, and concentration issues from ADHD, makes it very hard to focus on what’s right in front of me. Literally, and figuratively.Being tired exacerbates these issues as well. When this happens, to this day, I still have my boyfriend walk down the stairs in front of me, as a safety precaution.
For this piece, I added my inner monologue on each step. Each thing that I say to myself, to try to talk myself through making it down the stairs without being frightened. I don’t want this to all sound like a bummer, but I think it’s important to talk about these things because it could affect people around you, without you even realizing it.
For example, because I am left-handed, if I’m going down stairs in public, I have to go extraordinarily slow, as I will not be able to stop myself from falling with my right hand if I lose my balance. And, when there is a railing on the left-hand side, I have to go against the normal flow of traffic.
A lot of people get upset when you’re walking the wrong direction or in someone’s way; but I share all of this so that maybe next time you see someone going down the stairs, holding the railing in the opposite direction, don’t be so quick to expect them to move. They might not be able to move away from the railing, or go as quickly as you’d like.
If you read all this, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I know you did not ask for this information, but you taking the time to read my experience means the world to me. Do with it what you will, I’m just grateful you tried to understand someone’s perspective of the world!
I want to understand others experiences better too, so feel free to share anything you wish others knew about you and your limitations. Also, ask any questions you want! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING!
