Thank You for Supporting Me & My Disabilities — A Love Letter to My Boyfriend on his 33rd Birthday
As a writer, I can’t even begin to imagine how many love letters I’ve written, but I’ve only written them to one person. Just when I think I’ve run out of things to say, my love inspires me to write more. Throughout all of human history, people have attempted to find the most elegant words to describe love, its meaning to them, and the purpose it serves in our lives. While it might seem ridiculous and corny to do that when so many have already mused on this subject, I’m going to attempt to express my feelings around love in the context of disabilities.
Growing up with disabilities, it’s easy to feel unlovable, or not deserving of love. From a young age, you are met with adversity. The young mind does not have the knowledge or wisdom to rationalize that the adversity you face from being disabled, does not equate to you being undeserving of the one thing that everyone should experience in their lives.
When peers make fun of you for being different, or you struggle to complete the same tasks as others, you internalize that. You think to yourself, “they must be right. I am ugly, I am stupid, I am weird, no one will ever love me.” Even if you are lucky enough to have a family who loves you, you worry that it’s only because they have to. You worry that you are a burden to the people around you and they only deal with you out of kindness. Or at least that’s how I felt for a very long time.
The mental gymnastics I had to perform to believe that it could be even remotely possible for someone to love me was absurd, to say the least. I truly didn’t believe it could happen. Little did I know, that was because I didn’t love myself. I took all the negativity I had experienced and equated that to being unlovable, to the point where I couldn’t love myself. I believed every negative thing that had been said or done to me.
With years…and I do mean years of therapy – including talk therapy, EMDR, and CBT, I have finally undone this twisted way of thinking, and found love for myself. I realized that I had managed to live through adversity that at times, I had felt like was enough to take me out.
I saw strength and resilience in that. I realized that the adversity I had faced made me more empathetic to others' adversities and hardships, and made me want to help others not feel alone in that way. I saw thoughtfulness and kindness in that. I realized that even though I could see and feel physical differences in my body that others may not notice, my body was trying its best to keep me alive. I started being grateful for that. Even though I still get frustrated with my body for not working how I’d like it to at times, I know that it’s doing the best it can and I am appreciative of that. I realized that being different could actually serve as a creative benefit, allowing me to share my lens with the world, and hopefully educate others.
Once I began to love myself, something changed. I always found it easy to love other people and see the good in them, always noticing people’s positive qualities, but I started trying to see those in myself too. Now, I still have a lot to work on, because these things are still challenging to deal with. My baseline emotional state tends to lean a bit depressive, but I’ve learned how to challenge those thoughts and still work on doing so on a daily basis.
Other things started changing too, once I found love for myself. I started advocating for my needs, setting boundaries, and feeling more confident (at least more confident than I used to) in myself and my decisions. When you love yourself, people start to notice the inner glow in you that was always there, but maybe dimmed from the hardships that you’ve endured.
I started doing the hardest of this work during the start of the pandemic. Being alone with myself and really having to sit with my feelings, challenged me to begin to better myself on a deeper level. During this time of quarantine, I also began cultivating a deeper relationship with my best friend, who had also started challenging his inner struggles. We had been best friends for 7 years already, but in our efforts to not get sick, we decided to only see each other. After all, who doesn’t want to spend more time with their best friend and not worry about getting sick?
Throughout this time, we grew closer and closer, and through us working on ourselves as individuals, we realized there was truly no one else we’d rather spend time with. We started dating unofficially, and just as I was beginning to wonder if I’d actually have my first boyfriend, (yes, my first real boyfriend at the age of 29), Star Wars Day, May 4th hit.
My best friend and I have been Star Wars fanatics since childhood, and this man decided that the day that was already so fun and exciting for both of us should also be our anniversary. The absolute cutest. On May 4, 2021, I started officially dating my best friend, Michael Vaspasiano.
Michael and I have been dating for 3 years now, and our relationship has grown by leaps and bounds. We thought we were already so close because of our years of friendship, but being in love added a completely different, and at first, very scary dynamic. We were so scared that if it didn’t work out, we’d lose not only our relationship but our friendship too. We worked through these fears together and realized that no matter what, we were always going to be a part of one another's lives.
We’re both pretty private people, although I’ve been trying to be more open and share my story to help others. That said, I think it’s important to write this article and thank Michael, on his birthday, for everything he has added to my life. I also want to address how my disabilities have affected our relationship, so that others with disabilities can see that they too, deserve to be treated well and loved dearly, despite their challenges.
I could write an entire novel just about how much I love this man, but for the purpose of not boring everyone to death, and to make my points a little more succinct, I’m going to give 33 examples of ways that my disabilities have affected our relationship, and how Michael has handled them with love and grace, just over this past year.
Hopefully, these examples can give partners of other people with disabilities some ideas on how to make your loved one feel more comfortable and loved. So, without further adieu, 33 ways the relationship has been affected by my disabilities, and 33 reasons why I love Michael because of it, in no particular order.
This past year, we moved in together. As I’ve mentioned in my previous blog post titled “The Stairs,” the stairs in our apartment were quite difficult for me. Michael saw how challenging this was for me, and has found multiple ways to make the stairs more accessible for me, including adding a second railing, lining the stairway with LED lights so it was easier for me to see, and adding colored tape to each stair so that the contrast increased the visibility of each stair. He also constantly helps me carry things up and down the stairs, and continues to walk in front of me when I’m feeling off balance or in need of extra assistance.
Living with CP, sometimes I get depressed because I’m not as independent as I’d like to be. I’m an extremely determined person, so throughout my life, I’ve always tried to do things myself without help, even to my own detriment. When Michael noticed how upset I was that I couldn’t do certain tasks by myself, he brainstormed additional ways to make the apartment more accessible for me. In addition to all the accommodations he made to the stairs, Michael also put a shower stool in the bathroom so that I could sit if I feel dizzy or off balance. He purchased accessible tools for me, such as a grabber so I could reach things easily without getting on stools. I had difficulty opening boxes, so he got me a box cutter that was safer for gripping with my CP. The refrigerator we have is a bit low, making it difficult to see some items without bending. This, plus my ADHD, which makes me forgetful of what we have in the fridge, often led to me forgetting food and it going bad. To be honest, this still happens sometimes, but we got a magnetic whiteboard for the fridge so that I could write down the items in the fridge, which makes it easier to see what we have without rummaging. Getting these accessibility tools has helped me increase my independence and confidence in myself and I’m so grateful for him helping me with these things.
Having endometriosis, I have chronic pain during my menstrual cycle. For one to two days out of the month, I end up laying in bed all day with two heating pads. One heating pad on my stomach and another on my back, essentially trying to cook my insides to hurt less. Something that helps with pain, is also pressure. I would try to press on my stomach, but I would still be near tears in pain overnight. One night, Michael asked if resting his head on my stomach would be enough pressure to help. It was. The amount of relief I felt was tremendous. This man put a pillow on my stomach and slept with his head on me all night. It was the first night I ever had a restful sleep with my period. Michael sacrificed being comfortable to relieve some of my pain. His ability to think creatively to find solutions to help me, while also making accommodations for me, makes me feel incredibly loved and cared for.
With my disabilities, working a typical 9-5 job has proven to be quite difficult. Unfortunately, a lot of the positions I held were not understanding of my disabilities, and this caused me great distress. Michael has been incredibly supportive of me starting my own business, realizing how much working on my own time has benefited me in terms of both my physical and mental health. His ability to recognize where I’m at and help me be the best I can be within my limitations is incredible and I’m so lucky to have so much support from him.
Speaking of starting my own business, Michael recently helped me with my first art festival! I found out 3.5 days before the festival began, and while I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to do everything in time, Michael encouraged me, saying he was fully confident that if I set my mind to it, I could make it happen. And I did! With his help. Michael helped prepare everything, woke up at an ungodly hour, packed the car, set up my tent and art displays, as well as broke everything down and brought it back home. I could not have been successful without him. His belief in me as well as his physical assistance allowed me to have a great time, make new connections, and start to network for my small business.
Having esophagitis, I often get nauseous at night. Michael made accommodations to our bed, buying and inserting a wedge that helps keep me more elevated so that I don’t feel sick at night.
Michael is unbelievably creative and an artist himself. We both received our Masters in Interactive Media and Communications from Quinnipiac University. Michael's creative talents include video editing, design, copywriting, photography, motion graphics, product design, UX/UI design, and 3D design. He also does model work, weathering and designing unique assets based on his interests. Furthermore, his ability for art direction and project management is unparalleled. I often call him my art director. Michael's creative mind allows him to take concepts and make them a reality. He often gives me ideas of things to work on, or listens to my ideas, and recommends ways to tackle my creative endeavors without getting overwhelmed. I often don’t know where to start on something, or exactly how to execute an idea, and Michael always has thoughts on ways to help me be the best artist I can be too. Michael's creative abilities help calm my ADHD and allow me to be more successful.
As if it’s not enough to deal with all my shit, Michael has his own challenges, as everyone does. Michael’s though, are pretty much the opposite of mine. Michael was diagnosed with OCD in the last 2 years. Having dealt with it undiagnosed his whole life, getting a proper diagnosis has allowed him to find the tools he needs to succeed as well. Sometimes we laugh because our polar opposite issues definitely cause challenges, but he is always so open to finding solutions that work for both of us. I like describing our issues as organization vs. chaos. OCD, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, makes things like disorganization a nightmare. ADHD makes organization a nightmare, as half the time I set off to do a task, forget what I’m doing, start a new task, and leave a trail of a mess behind me. Michael has been incredibly gracious with me and we’ve both worked on finding balance between his need for tidiness, and my accidental mess-making habits. He challenges his needs for everything to be perfectly in order all the time, and I challenge myself to be more conscientious of what I’m doing and try to remember to put things away after I start something. This is something we both still work on, but I’m so grateful for his understanding.
Michael understands that I honestly do the best I can at all times. He knows me well enough that even if I’m struggling with something, it’s not out of laziness or for lack of trying. He understands that I’m constantly trying to do my best, and loves me for where I’m at. For example, my whole life I’ve tried to keep up with the pace of an abled-bodied person. Over the last few years, this level of intensity has made me feel like Sisyphus. If you’re not familiar, the story and mythology of Sisyphus is one where he angered the gods. As punishment for his actions, the gods forced him to push an immense boulder uphill, only for it to roll back down the hill time and time again. This is what it feels like with disabilities. You’re constantly fighting the challenges of living in an able-bodied world and it’s exhausting. Within the last few years, I’ve addressed this feeling and realized instead of fighting against my body, I need to work with it. This presents itself in different ways. For example, if I’m in pain, whether it be from cerebral palsy spasms, endometriosis cramps, or something else, I know I need to rest. I used to try to push through the pain and work, but the result was me barely accomplishing anything, and only exhausting and hurting myself further. Now, I know I need to rest. I take the time to lay down and rest, sometimes for the whole day, but I know I can make up the work when I’m feeling better. Michael understands that I need this rest in order to be successful, and often encourages me to rest when I’m resisting it and trying to accomplish stuff anyway. Michael does an incredible job of noticing how I’m doing, even when sometimes I’m so busy in my own head that I fail to recognize the signals my body is sending me to rest. He is the best.
If you can’t tell by how long this article is already, I tend to be a bit verbose. Michael is always so gracious in listening to my nonstop thoughts, even at ridiculous times. Having a sleeping disorder, my brain seems to turn on around 10 pm, the exact time his is starting to settle down. Michael always listens to my random philosophical thoughts and questions, and engages in such thought-provoking conversations with me, and this makes me feel happy and heard.
Another aspect of OCD is repetitive thought patterns. One of the challenges Michael faces with his condition is repetitive negative thoughts. I’m so incredibly proud of him because, through therapy, he too has learned tools and methods to quiet his mind and challenge his thoughts. It’s so important in a relationship that each person continues to work through their own challenges, and I’m so grateful that he continues to work on his mental health in order to improve both himself and his mindset, as well as our relationship.
Everyone benefits from physical activity, and one thing that we both recently started enjoying is hikes. For our 3rd anniversary, we made a trip to Seattle, Washington. While there, we decided to explore outside the city, visiting Snoqualmie and Mount Rainer. Hiking is not something that was ever in my wheelhouse, being that I have physical disabilities. I remember friends would go on hikes in high school, and I wished I could go with them, but I was far too embarrassed because I needed assistance on certain terrains; so I wouldn’t go. This year on our trip, Michael once again made me feel so incredibly loved and cared for while visiting these places. At Snoqualimie, there was a hiking path that at points were quite steep and difficult for me. Michael helped me by going at my pace…which was very slow. He took breaks with me and didn’t rush me in any way. He was just happy to have a new experience with me. This gave me the confidence that I could partake in an activity that I always wanted to do, in my own way with his support. At Mount Rainer, there was a rocky bed where a river once was. The rocks were huge and I never would have been able to explore that area by myself, but Michael held my hand and helped me so I could see everything firsthand. Instead of feeling embarrassed that it was difficult for me, I had fun and felt loved and excited to see new things. I honestly could not have had these experiences without his love and support.
While on our trip, I received news that my Grammie, who had been sick with pancreatic cancer for the last year and a half, had passed away. I loved her dearly and had lived with her for 5 years. On the same day, Michael found out some unexpected news as well. I can’t elaborate on it here, but we were both sad and depressed, to say the least. It was an incredibly tough day, but despite our depression, both Michael and I agreed that we had traveled across the country, and we should push through our depression and try to enjoy the experience of being in a new place. We decided we could grieve when we returned home. I was so incredibly thankful for this, as it was a great distraction, and we got to experience so many beautiful things during a very trying time. One of the many things I love about Michael is that no matter what, he always does whatever he can to make me feel better. We both try to push each other to overcome our challenges, and together we pushed through and ended up still having a great time despite the circumstances. If we hadn’t done this, and stayed in bed depressed like we both wanted to, we never would have experienced Snoqualmie or Mount Rainer. We would have missed out on the beauty of the landscapes, and finding the new exciting hobby of hiking.
Over the last year and a half, dealing with my grandma being sick was incredibly challenging for my whole family. Watching someone you love suffer to the degree in which she did is heartbreaking. During this time, Michael couldn’t have been more supportive. I visited my gram multiple times a week, and he picked up the slack at home, often cooking meals and cleaning while I helped my family. To have a partner who helps when you’re under distress is the best thing you could ever imagine. He took such a trying time and made it easier to deal with. He has also helped me through my grief and continues to do so.
Living with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) my blood pressure often drops and my heart rate rises, leading me to feel like I’m going to pass out. This, on top of my esophagitis and stomach issues, led to me being sick with nausea and vomiting quite often. There were multiple times over the last year when my POTS acted up, and my stomach reacted. Michael would get up in the middle of the night and bring me blankets and a pillow when I needed to lie down in the bathroom. He’d offer to stay in there with me, and would get me water and whatever I needed to feel better. If I had been dealing with this alone, I could have passed out and gotten sick, but Michael always took care of me.
Having PMDD, my emotional range when I’m close to my period can vary significantly in short amounts of time. If you’d like to learn more about what living with PMDD is like, you can read my article titled “Sad Brains, PMDD Delight.” During these emotional periods, Michael always knows how to cheer me up and make me laugh. Michael is without a doubt the funniest person I know, and the only person that can snap me out of one of my bad moods. His ability to make me smile and laugh even when I’m sad brings me so much joy. I have been in tears, hysterically crying, and Michael knows exactly what to say to get me to laugh and change my mood within seconds. Having a partner who understands your mood swings is incredible and I’m so thankful he continues to support me even at my worst.
With epilepsy, I have to take medication every day. Medications for epilepsy can lead to forgetfulness and memory loss, and adding ADHD to the mix makes me susceptible to forgetting to take my meds; even though I’ve had to take medication daily for almost 20 years now. Michael helps remind me to take my meds to keep me safe. Luckily I have not had a seizure in over 7 years. When I did have my last seizure though, Michael was the first person I called. He helped me immediately and kept me company when I was scared to be alone. Michael has supported every aspect of my disabilities in ways that I can’t even express in words.
On top of reminding me to take my meds, pill organization has always been a bit of a project for me. If you’re interested in learning more about what I take in a day, you can check out my article, “A Couple Dozen Pills a Day Keeps My Doctors at Bay.” My medicine list has changed a bit over the last few months, but Michael has always helped me find new ways to manage all my meds. He’s purchased me different pill organizers, which made filling my medications less time-consuming and less stressful.
Something that meant a great deal to me this year was seeing Josh Blue. Michael and I have been enjoying going to comedy shows recently, and even though he was less familiar with his comedy, Michael knew how much it meant to me to see someone else with cerebral palsy being successful and doing what they loved. Michael was so supportive and encouraged me to make art for Josh. Even though I can be shy, Michael pushed me to introduce myself to Josh and give him my art piece. It was an incredibly exciting and fulfilling experience, and I wouldn’t have done it without Michael's encouragement. If you’d like to learn more about that experience, you can read my article “Meeting comedian Josh Blue, my cerebral palsy icon.”
Michael has also been extremely supportive of my disability & art blog, always reading my work with thought and care, and viewing my art with an open mind. I appreciate the fact that both him and I are constantly trying to learn about how one another think and feel. You’d think after 10 years of friendship and 3 years of dating, you’d fully understand a person's mind, but I’m constantly learning new things about him and I’m thankful that we continue to try to learn and grow together.
My Raynauds syndrome causes my extremities to be extremely cold, even in the heat of summer. For more on that, you can read my blog post, “Raynaud’s, a real pain in your extremities.” Michael always helps keep my feet warm at night, even when they feel like an ice cooler and I deeply appreciate that.
Another thing I have is PTSD. There are some things I’m not quite comfortable talking about publicly yet, but Michael knows what these things are. He has been so helpful in accommodating me so that I always feel safe, loved, and cared for with him, when I did not have that in the past. His constant consideration for my physical and mental health helps me on a daily basis.
Having so many health problems, it often creates more anxiety when something happens to me physically. Having had a stroke, seizures, issues with passing out and the like, when I don’t feel good, I get scared at times. Michael always talks me through my anxieties and helps me find solutions that help me feel better.
My delayed sleep phase syndrome is a circadian rhythm disorder that causes my body to want me to be nocturnal. Michael has constantly tried to assist me with finding ways to manage my sleeping habits to get a better night's rest.
A very sweet sentiment that has come up in the past was surrounding my disabilities. As I’ve mentioned, growing up with disabilities causes you to internalize false beliefs that I still have to challenge. Recently, while feeling embarrassed by disabilities, Michael said something very interesting to me. He said something to the effect of, “I don’t see you as disabled, I see you as you.” While this is a nice thought, sometimes I find that sentiment hard to deal with because I am disabled and it is such a big part of my life. This can sometimes make me feel embarrassed when I have to use accommodations for my disabilities because I feel like it makes me look more disabled. So, when a person says I don’t look disabled because I’m not using accommodations, I get self-conscious when I do have to use them. I’m afraid that when I do use them, they’ll view me differently. I explained this to Michael and he really took this to heart. Very recently, my spasms have increased significantly. I’ve had to wear a brace on my arm during these spasms, and even a boot on my leg that stretches my muscles. I cried because I was embarrassed and felt like I looked more disabled. I expressed to Michael that I was worried that he’d see me differently because I was using these devices. To this, he replied that he had thought about what I said and realized that disabilities are a part of who I am, so wearing these things does not change his views of me. He’s simply happy that I am using tools to help me feel better. Hearing this was such a relief and I no longer felt self-conscious.
All of these things make me feel extremely needy…because I am. Living with disabilities, you do need more help and assistance. This is a hard feeling for me to reconcile with my fervent need to be independent. Michael has never made me feel like a burden, although at times I feel like one.
Something that I’ve expressed, especially early in the relationship, was that if my needs were too much for him, and they were not something that he wanted to deal with for his life, I understood. I could never fault someone for my needs being too significant for them. I want him to be happy and fulfilled in his own life, and it is a lot to be a partner to someone with disabilities like me. While he appreciated that sentiment that I wouldn’t hold it against him, he's never made me feel like I’m too much. Whenever my needs have taken a toll on him (because it does happen), we always work to find a solution that works best for both of us. I’m incredibly grateful that while it would be much easier to give up, instead, he shows me so much love by making it work.
Although I haven’t officially started it, I still do plan on creating a podcast called “Thank You So Much for Asking.” The title for this stemmed from Michael asking me a question about my disabilities that no one had asked in the past. Michael is always trying to understand me better and takes deep consideration for how things affect me.
There are a lot of hidden costs of having disabilities. From medications and doctor appointments to accessibility tools, things add up quickly. Michael has been extremely gracious in helping support me with some of these expenses, urging me to keep up with my business and knowing that helping me is an investment in our relationship.
I love that Michael wants me to succeed because with my success, that helps the both of us.
I love that Michael keeps me grounded and challenges me to be my best self.
I love that Michael has his own challenges. I learn so much from him. He teaches me things and shows me perspectives that I never would have known or seen without him. Of course we both wish we didn’t have challenges that we face, but I love that we face them head-on together.
I love how patient Michael is with me and I truly couldn’t ask for a better partner. I love him with all my heart. I’ve always strived to find happiness and wholeness within myself, but he is my other half, and my 200%. To share some sentiments about my love for him, I’ll quote some of my favorite philosophers.
I hope these things show people with disabilities, and partners of those with disabilities, that they do deserve love. You have to work on it, and find things that work for both parties. It can be extremely challenging at times, but boy is the work worth it. Happy 33rd birthday to the love of my life.
“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” — Marcus Aurelius
“Rules for happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.” — Immanuel Kant
“And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover's intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has only a dark and doubtful presentiment. Suppose Hephaestus, with his instruments, to come to the pair who are lying side by side and to say to them, 'What do you people want of one another?' they would be unable to explain. And suppose further, that when he saw their perplexity he said: 'Do you desire to be wholly one; always day and night to be in one another's company? for if this is what you desire, I am ready to melt you into one and let you grow together, so that being two you shall become one, and while you live a common life as if you were a single man, and after your death in the world below still be one departed soul instead of two—I ask whether this is what you lovingly desire, and whether you are satisfied to attain this?'—there is not a man of them who when he heard the proposal would deny or would not acknowledge that this meeting and melting into one another, this becoming one instead of two, was the very expression of his ancient need. And the reason is that human nature was originally one and we were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called love.” …
“But my words have a wider application—they include men and women everywhere; and I believe that if our loves were perfectly accomplished, and each one returning to his primeval nature had his original true love, then our race would be happy. And if this would be best of all, the best in the next degree and under present circumstances must be the nearest approach to such an union; and that will be the attainment of a congenial love. Wherefore, if we would praise him who has given to us the benefit, we must praise the god Love, who is our greatest benefactor, both leading us in this life back to our own nature, and giving us high hopes for the future, for he promises that if we are pious, he will restore us to our original state, and heal us and make us happy and blessed. ” – Aristophanes
“he [Love] is also the source of poesy in others, which he could not be if he were not himself a poet. And at the touch of him every one becomes a poet, even though he had no music in him before; this also is a proof that Love is a good poet and accomplished in all the fine arts; for no one can give to another that which he has not himself, or teach that of which he has no knowledge.” - Agathon
